Bathroom Blunder

My husband and I are very big Moose members. My girls were raised at our moose lodge. There is a game room full of free video games as well as a huge outside play area. It's a lodge for family's and a great place to bring your kids. Everyone knows everyone and all the "moose kids" get spoiled with candy bars and sodas. There are always events for the kids and also it is a great place to take the kids so they can play while we watch the NASCAR race every Sunday.

Round 16

Abby was 4 months old when Paul and I started dating. Every Sunday we would go to the Moose to watch the race and all the members would pass her around. ( all of my husbands friends children were older and everyone missed the presence of having a baby around).

I always enjoyed this time because it would give me a little break from caring for an infant.

Abby charmed the hearts of everyone who came in contact with her. She grew up at our lodge, Took her first steps out there, and new everyone by name.

Every so often we would get a new member and it wouldn't take long for Abby to charm them a well.

One day when she was about 2 yrs old we were out at the lodge watching the race. We had really just started potty training and Bethany (her big sis) said she would help her to the bathroom if she needed it.

They day was going great. Kids were enjoying their game room and full of sugar. Paul and I were enjoying the race and hanging out with friends.

25 laps to go in the race, and one of the newer members came walking towards us and to his side was Abby. My first thought was oh lord she is getting more candy. Boy was I wrong!!

The new member came up and introduced himself and seemed a bit nervous.

Member: hi my name is Keith. And I just wanted to let you know that I found your daughter in the men's bathroom.

Holy shit!!! Where is Bethany and Krysten??

Member: well I really didn't know what to do because she had her pants down and was trying to figure out how to sit in the urinal.

Holy f##k! My husband just started laughing. I was in shock!!! I had completely forgot to show her which bathroom was the girls and boys.

All I could say to this new member was: Welcome to the Moose!!!

MURDERS!!!!!!!!!

Where is a good place to go shopping for your redneck husband for fathers day? This year I choose the mall and Cabelas. Although he might be a redneck but he is not a hunter. I should have just went with my gut and went to Rural King (his fave store).

Round 15

The closest Cabelas is about 30 min from my house and located at the St. Louis Mills mall. I am not a mall shopper at all. If I can't find what I need at Target or Shop n Save I really don't need it. But this was important for the kids to get their step father the best fathers day gift ever.


When we first got to the mall I suggested that we go into the mall part and save Cabelas for last. (Hoping to find something more his style in one of the other shops.) Of course they agreed because I have never really taking them mall shopping before. They wanted to check it out.

After 2 hours of only finding 1 sign he could hang up in his garage and my oldest discovering Aropostile i was done. We still had to go back threw Cabelas because that is where we parked the car.

Krysten: maybe we will find what he likes in here.

So we walked around. Cabelas is a very neat store with all there displays of the different taxidermy animals and large fish tanks. We looked at every display. Reading all the info. Abby was amazed. She absolutely loved all of it.

Until she spotted the mounted deer heads on the walls.

Abby: What is that?? Why is it just their heads?? What is going on?!?!?

Me: Abby this is a hunting store. What do u think all these animals are from? When some people go hunting and get a prize kill they have the animal mounted like a trophy.

She didn't say anything more for a few min. As we walked towards the front of the store Bethany found the best shirt for my husband. We all liked it and agreed that it would make a great gift. So now all we have to do is check out an we are done.

The check out at the Cabela stores is located at the front o the store next to the gun displays.

As we are walking to the check out lane Abby glanced over to this man examining a very large shot gun.

Abby mumbled something under her breath. I turned around and asked her what she said.

Abby: (in a low whisper) murderer.

I don't know if I was confused by what she just said or shocked.

Abby: that man buying that gun is a murder!!!!!

Me: no Abby he is a hunter.

Buy this time she had gotten louder and there were about 3-5 people starting to take notice of her little tantrum.

Abby: MURDERS!!! (yelling) YOU ALL ARE MURDERS!!! AND YOU HAVE A STORE ABOUT IT!!!

By this time I was bright red and ready to be out of this store. Some how I calmed her down enough to pay for the shirt.

While wrapping up the transaction the worker of the store game me my change and told us to have a great day. As we walked out Abby had one more thing to say.

Abby: MURDERS!!!

Never again will I step foot in that store again.

British Invasion

The love of our friends across the pond is well known in my household. From the magical word of Harry Potter to the tunes of the new boy band One Direction. My kids have got the equivalent of the 1960s Beatlemania but in 2012 style.

Posters of young British faces strung all over their walls, songs played over and over again so that I even know ever word, and the British accents that the kids have picked up are amazing. You would think that I adopted them from the queen herself.

Round 14

Princess Abby of the house of Brooks has bar far the best British accent of all my children. My husband didn't believe me about her small talent until an dinner out one night. Then at the table at the restaurant she spoke a fluent British accent the whole meal. Showing this off to friends was fun. She even had the British slang down.

One night we were off to Target to get only god knows what. While walking in we saw this big van of Amish People. Yes, they were Amish and they were in a van not a horse in buggy. ( I guess the Amish love Target as much as we do)

Of course this was one of the times Abby went into full British mode and as we walked pass the Amish she started rattling off about having to use the loo. ( I'm assuming this meant she had to go to the bathroom)
The Amish people just looked at me cause I didn't have the accent and she was just chatting away.

Abby: mum, mum, mummy where is the loo.. I have to go poo..

All with this British accent..

Then she spotted the Amish...

Abby: mum, mum, mummy. Why are those people dressed like they are from another time. Ohhhhhh they must be time travelers..

Now remember she was in British mode..
Then before I could stop her she was chatting with this Amish lady with her accent.

Abby: helllloooo dear time traveler. Wellllcooome to Target!

I was so embarrassed that all I could do was pick her up and carry her away. Apologizing to the Amish as we walked into the store.

While we shopped I did my best to explain the Amish to her and her sisters. Taking an extra long time in the store in hopes that the Amish were long gone.

We checked out with no Amish in sight and were heading out the door and there they were loading up in their van.

As we past Abby couldn't control herself and yelled out. ( in British)

Abby: good day, cheeryO, get the van to 88 miles per hour.

(thanks Back to the Future)    

The Amish looked shocked and didn't wave back, but a couple bystanders broke out in laughter.

Yup, that's my kid.

Birds, Bees, What?????

Sorry it has been so long!!! Life had finally caught up and it seemed I never had any time to just sit down and write!!! Hope you all welcome me back cause I have got some great stories to share!!!

There is a time and place to discuss the birds and the bees with your children. Some kids ask the questions sooner than others. Parents tread very lightly on this subject due to embarrassment, and each parent has different ways of giving their kids the info without going into too much details.

My dad, for example, got me a cartoon called Where Did I Come From. Who doesn't like to watch cartoon sperms swimming in an Olympic size pool to get to the egg waiting on the edge of the pool for the winner. Then they tango.. 

It took years, and an episode of Glee to get my oldest to talk about sex. ( I wouldn't let her watch the sex Ed episode until we spoke about it first).

Round  13

It was a Friday eve and my oldest and I were on our way back from visiting my mother in law in the hospital about 45 min away from where we live. We rarely get time away from her sisters so this was great bonding time.

About 10 min into the drive she asked:

Beth: so mom, when do u think I can watch that episode of glee?

Me: after we have The Talk.

Beth: well ok I'm ready...

Ok I have prepared myself for this moment and even with all the prep work those words scared the shit out of me. I instantly started to sweat, my blood pressure went up, and I turned beet red.

Beth: are you ok mom?

Me: of course!!! What to u want to know?

Beth: well I thought you would just talk about it and I would listen.

Ok never planed that? I thought it would be like a question and answer type of deal. 

Here I was actually giving my dad kudos for getting the stupid cartoon and putting it in the VCR and leaving the room for me to fend for myself. But NO! I'm a good mom and have a great relationship with my daughter so I was going to do this right..

So for 20 min I acutlly gave the same speech from the Glee episode that the gay guys dad gave him. ( no my child is not gay but I thought it was by far one of the best speeches ever on the topic). I used the material an made it my own. 

So after all that I thought I was done. Nope wrong again!!

Beth: ok so I know that you have had sex 3 times because you have 3 kids.

Me: yes, and little more than that.

Beth; right. So 3 kids, 3 husbands. How many times?

Me: I have no idea Beth.

Beth: how many different guys have you had sex with?

Jeeze!!! What the hell!!!!

Me: this is something that we need to talk about on your 21st birthday after we have had some drinks!!! By the way you can watch that Glee episode tonight.

Beth: cool

Then it was dropped! Oh lord I survived! Untill she watched Glee.

Beth: MOM!!!! You gave me the same speech from Glee???? 

Well at least I got 1 out of 3 done.....

Turtles

Kids are born animal lovers. They want to have pets (until the newness wears off). We have 2 dogs and 1 cat. I love my furry children almost as much a I live my kids. Our family was complete, the last thing we needed was another mouth to feed..

And nothing is ever for free...

Round 12

Krysten, my middle spawn, came to me one evening asking if she could have a turtle.

Me: where on earth did you get this idea?

Krysten: a friend from school.

Me: I don't think it's a good idea. We already have 3 pets.

She pouted a bit then headed off to play. Wow!!! I dodge that bullet. A turtle, something I wasn't really expecting a kid to ask for as a pet but oh well the conversation was over.

About 2 nights later she came to me again. This time she had a 15 page paper on why she needed a turtle. It had pie charts (they really had no meaning) , cartoons, and all this basic info on turtles.

Krysten: the one I want is a red neck slider. Paul (my hubby) would love it cause he is a redneck too!!

Yes my hubby's a redneck! I have 3 girls who will soon be dating boys, I had to find a man with shotguns!!

Me: Krysten this is a very impressive paper but no. I'm sorry but we are not getting another pet. Maybe if you help out with the ones we have I would THINK about it.

She smiled and took off to play.

For a week the turtle business was not brought up. I was driving home and my phone rang. It wasn't a number that I knew so I hesitantly answered.

Me: hello

Very Excited Child: hello is this Krystens mom??

Me: yes who is this?

VEC: oh!!!!! Krystens mom!!! The package arrived today and I am soooooooooo excited that my turtles brother is going to live with my very best friend in the whole world!!!

Me: and can I ask who your very best friend in the world is??

VEC: well Krystens mom, it is Krysten!!! This makes me so happy!! We have enough food for him and all you have to do is pick him up. It is my gift to her for being my very best friend in the whole world!

By this point this very excited child somehow got me excited and so I went with it. It is very hard to say no to someone elses kid. Especially when they are so excited. I know what your thinking, I was had. But she was so excited I couldn't help it.

Me: well we have plans this evening can we pick him up tomorrow?

VEC: yes that works!!! Thank you so much Krystens mom.

Me: yes no prob. 

When I got home Krysten was waiting by the door. Guess her friend called the  house phone and already told her the good news.

That night I went to petco and got a turtle habitat that cost $131.57. So much for a free turtle. Not only did I spend a crap load of money, I fell on ice In the parking lot and bruised my ass. ( it was February) also I found out that red EARED sliders ( not redneck, lol that guy in petco I'm sure still tells that story) can get as large as a dinner plate and in 1 year I would have to upgrade the tank. SMH.....

Good times...... Kids win again.

MOM-2
KIDS-10

Who needs common sense

Most people either have book smarts or street smarts (common sense). You can usually tell which direction your kids will go at an early age. My oldest is by far the best student in the house. She keeps an A,B average in school.  The first thing she does as soon as she get home is her homework and rarely misses a day of school. She also is a big help with her sisters homework. ( is it just me or have schools changed the math process?) because with out her help we would all be lost!

Where she excels in the book smarts she lacks in the common sense.

Round 11

Family dinners are a very important time in our house hold. We only really get to sit down as a family once or twice a week, so we do, we make them fun. We go around the table and ask what was your favorite thing today. And everyone answers.

We also like to talk about current events or history. For example; what happened on this day in history? The kids love it and it shows who is paying attention in school.

This particular date of our dinner was December 7, 2011.  I made a meatloaf and the kids helped me Prep the sides. We all did our part and now it was time to sit and enjoy our family dinner.

Me: do you know what happened on this day in history?

Abby: it was the start of WWII!

Me: great job Abby!! How did you know that?

Abby: my teacher told me to say that if our parents asked. She also told us to say that it was the 70th anniversary of it.

Ok I was impressed and proud! Then my husband went into the attack on pear harbor an the sinking of the Arizona.

Hubby: they call it a 700 man grave cause they are still down there.

Bethany ( who is 13 and in 8th grade): how do they breath down there and what to they eat..

My husband and I exchanged looks of shock and amusement. Before I could explain more Abby chimed in.

Abby (who is 8 and in 2rd grade): really Beth??? 700 man GRAVE. You can't breath when you have been dead and underwater for 70 years.

Bethany's ears turned red and she didn't talk to Abby for the rest of the night.

MOM-2
KIDS-8
ABBY-1 for paying attention in school!!

Should have been a boy..

Summer time is an exciting time in our house. No school, getting to sleep in, and fun days with granpa Boz. Being a working mom, summer time sucks.. Yes, I enjoy the school years because not only is it good for the kids and I don't have to pay a babysitter. Now we are at a time in our lives that my oldest can watch her sisters but I still have to pay her..

The free babysitter at the time was my wonderful father. Not only did he get quality time with the girls it didn't cost me a dime.. So the summer I knew I was saving all this money I splurged and got the girls a pool to play in while granpa Boz sat in a lawn chair and read his book

Round 10

We live out in the country on 5 acres of land. It is very privet and during the day not too many people drive down the road. A big rule with the pool and every other pool would go swimming at was NO PEEING in the pool. I basically told them when they had to go just to get out and pee by the tree. (no one would see them and they wouldn't be tracking water all through my house.) The perfect place to put our new pool was behind the house. We got the pool and set it up on a Sunday. The girls were in it all day. (They all fell asleep early that night..., I LOVE THIS POOL) It was a great weekend..

Monday morning came too fast and I had to head off to work. My dad showed up with his lawn chair, book ,and his big green cup full of ice water. The girls were in their swimsuits and ready for some pool time. I was off to work.

After my first client at work I came out to about 6 missed calls on my phone from home. WTH??? Oh course, I panicked and called the house. No one answered. Now I'm worried and starting to freak out. About 30 seconds later my receptionist comes in the back room holding out the salons phone saying I had a call..  It was my dad and everyone was great.. So I ask him what were all the missed calls for.

"She lost it." he said
"Ummmm what did she loose?" I asked
"Her penis." He answered
"WTF???" Is all I could reply

Apparently, Abby got out of the pool. Pulled her bathing suit to the side and peed standing up. No, it didn't run down her leg, it arcked out like a little boy would pee. So now my father is convinced that she is part boy. I hang up the phone and take it back up to the front desk. Thinking that my father only shared this info with me I hand the phone over to the receptionist.

"So, I guess Abby is part boy.." He asked me as walked away.
???????????? How did he know that. He was on the phone and accidentally hit the line I was on and him and a client over heard the whole conversation... Good times..

MOM-2
KIDS-8
Grandpa Boz- very confused

Pockets

When the day finally came to potty train my youngest I was more than ready. To finally be diaper free was the goal. The road ahead would be filled with wet sheets, extra laundry, and doing the happy dance every time we made it to the toilet.

Round 9

We made the trip to Target so Miss Abby could pick out her new big girl underwear. Letting her choose from all the princesses and cute smiley face panties was a milestone. My baby was growing up. 1 problem, at the time we were potty training she was in love with the movie Cars. Lightning McQueen was her guy. (I never thought having 3 girls I would get the experience of stepping on a hot wheels car in the middle of the night but Abby loved cars. And it happened 2 times at least.)

We were using pull ups and she loved the ones with McQueen printed on them over the princess ones. So while looking at her selection she just turned up her nose and said she didn't want to give up her Lightning McQueen pull ups.

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Come on Abby.. I showed her just about every design and she just stood there and shook her head.. My dreams were fading. Then the light bulb in my brain lit up. We left the girls section and headed over to the boys. There on the shelf was Lightning McQueen and all the rest of the cars charterers printed on little boys underwear. (Never thought I would buy boys underwear either)

She got excited and pick out 3 packages and we were off! YES!!! I could see the light at the end of the diaper tunnel. She sat in her car seat and just looked at the package and we were both so happy.

We got home and as soon as we made it into the house the packages were ripped open and the pull up was off and in the trash.. Underwear was on and she was ready to go.

Now like I said before, I have 3 girls and never had to get little boys underwear. For some reason I didn't think little boys underwear had the pee pee hole in it. Yea I know what your thinking but really do you think about it?

Abby came running into the living room so excited about her new big girl underwear!!!
"MOOOOOOMMMMMYYY!!! They are so cool!!! I'm a BIIIIIGGGGG girl, WOW COOL THEY HAVE A POCKET IN THEM TOO!!!!

Yes her little hand was shoved in the slit of the underwear. Ok you can handle this, you don't want to give too much info too soon so we let that explanation go.

The next day, while dropping her off at day care, she was so excited to show her teacher her big girl underwear.

"Ms Kelcie look at my big girl panties!!!!" She dropped her pants in the front hallway of the daycare while about 3-4 other parents were standing there. "They have Lightning on them and they have a pocket!!!!" I looked over and sure as shit she had her hand in the slit again. The other parents laughed and I quickly signed her in and left the building as fast as McQueen could drive.

MOM-2
KIDS-7
NO MORE DIAPERS!!!!!!!

Ring tone Woes......

Ring tones bring out you personality! While doing a massage on an older lady (I am a Massage Therapist) her phone went off and the ring tone was AC/DC Back in Black..That was a fun surprise I didn't expect. I love to change up my tones and more times than most let it ring till it goes to voice mail cause I am jamming out to the song.

I have always been excited to get new ring tones... I know I'm a big dork. At one point I had a ring tone for just about every contact in my phone. (That was a very expensive bill) I have now mellowed out on that and really only treat myself to a new tone ever few months.

Round 8

When I go to the grocery store I try to NOT bring all 3 kids. It is way too crazy and I spend enough money on my own let alone get the kids all the stuff they want. On this particular day I had all 3 with me. I was stressed out and was just trying to get everything on my list and to get out.

Why is it I always seem to pick the wrong days to go to the store?

I always end up there on senior day or the $10.00 off when you spend $50.00 day. People are fighting for carts and are just plain grumpy.

So I'm stressed, everyone in the store is grumpy, and my kids are crazy. We need to lighten the mood a bit and make this trip to the store fun. So as we are walking down the aisle I'm dancing and having a good time with my younger 2 girls.(My oldest of course is walking about 15 feet in front of us ignoring us.)


We are laughing and just having a great time when my phone went off.

"I'm sexy and I know it..... Wiggle wiggle wiggle this." Come on you all know the song. So now we have a good song to dance too. I'm dancing and the little ones are dancing. Oh and we got one old lady to dance with us too. Good times!!! Now where is my oldest???

Well she left us as soon as the phone started ringing. Yea we found her in the bath room about 15 min later. I had her paged. Now I'm in so much trouble her ears are red. I promise to lay off the dancing and we finish our shopping.

While checking out, I forgot to turn my phone off and of course it starts again. I'm sorry I can't help myself and start again. This time the people behind us start dancing too. It was so much fun.

Bethany (my oldest) decided she was going to the car.

Every time she goes to the store with me she now makes me turn the phone on vibrate.

Mom-2
Kids-6
Beth <3 u!!!!!

Dancing Shoes....

Dress up in my home is a daily game. My girls have a rubber maid container full of old dresses and shoes. All little girls like to play with their mom's shoe, clothes, and makeup. I am constantly tripping over my shoes all the time even tho I haven't wore them in months. And the lord only knows what happened to all my OPI nail polish.

Off the dress up subject for a minuet, (you will understand why I bring this up very soon) Krysten and Abby some how stumbled upon a movie with the wonderful ON DEMAND feature on most TVs. (FYI there is a way to block this feature on most TVs) Her grandmother found the girls watching a movie called Zombie Strippers. Of course she shut the TV off right away. Abby still saw what she needed to see, asked A LOT of questions, and then the subject was dropped. (BTW I told her strippers we as real as zombies. Don't judge...) But not for long......

Round 7

My husband and I were dealing with a family emergency and a couple of friends of ours offered to pick up the kids and keep them for the night for us. These people are an awesome couple. Both of their children are grown up and out of the house. So, they love taking our girls every now and then when they miss having small children at their home.  They spoil them with ice cream, take them swimming, and do just about what ever else the kids want!

While they were making cookies Abby asked Marci (our friend) if she had any old dress shoes that she could play in. Marci of course went into her closet and found a pair of 1 inch heels. (now all my heels are at least 4 inches and that little monster can walk better in them than I can) Abby said thanks and off she went to play.

About 20 min later while Marcy was finishing up her dishes she heard: click click click.. She stopped doing the dishes and just listened for a min. Didn't hear the sound again so she went back to her dishes. A few minuets later she heard it again: click click click. This time she stopped doing the dishes and set out to find the source of the sound. She made her way to the living room listening to all the clicks. Of course there on the top of her living room coffee table stood Abby. Shoes on her feet, shirt half off (oh lord...), and dancing.
"Hi Marci!!!! I'm a stripper, do you have a dollar?" Abby said.

OH HOLY MOTHER OF GOD,I think this was the ultimate payback for me being suck a rotten child. I called my father to say I was sorry for all the years I was a crazy kid. Abby now knows that's not a way to play dress up.

MOM 1
KIDS 6

Revenge is best served with soap....

When kids talk back or say a word that is not meant to cross their lips, I believe that soap in the mouth works the best.. Now, don't think I go overboard with this cause I have heard reports of very stupid parents pouring a whole container of liquid soap in their kids mouth and killing them. And I have never made my kids sit in the bath room with a bar of soap in their mouth like Ralphy from The Christmas Story. No, I'm saying a little drop on the tongue works just fine.

Problem is you have to catch them first, and somehow manage to open their mouth long enough to get the soap in place. GOOD LUCK with that. I used this with my oldest until her sister found out that this was the best way to get revenge...

Round 6

Waking up to my kiddos fighting happens about every day. She hit me, she is touching me, she won't get out of the bath room.. Now, I am NOT one of those mothers who is up and happy singing songs with the birds in the  mornings.. I'm not Marry Poppins.. So being woke up to a fight makes me more crabby then just having to get up to start my day.

Krysten and Bethany were at it again over something that I'm sure Abby started.. (She loves to get them going and then sit there like she is an angel) The two where in the mists of an old fashion slap war. (It is very entertaining to see this) So I go to break them up and OMG then they start screaming at each other.

I don't call my kids stupid,  and we never say we hate anyone, so when my oldest said to her sister: "I hate you, you stupid sister" It was game on.

Now, the last time I had to do soap with Bethany (drama queen) she forced herself to get sick. Like I said it is just a small drop nothing harmful. So, while they were  still fighting I went into the bathroom filled up a cup of water and got the toilet ready for her drama.

I got her in the bath room, put the soap on m finger, then proceeded to struggle with her for 10 min before I got what little I could get into her mouth. Then over to the toilet she went making herself get sick.

I held her hair back then handed her the glass of water. When she took a drink she started screaming more and bubbles were coming out of her mouth. At this same time I heard little feet running in the other room and up the stairs..

At some point during our struggle Krysten took the dish soap and poured it into her cup of water..
Needless to say that was the last day I ever soaped one of my kids..



MOM 1
KIDS 4
Krysten 1 She gets the point on this!!! lol

Just BEAD it....

On of the most common home crafts for children is making beaded necklaces. You can get the kits at just about any store. It is hard to follow age limits on things like this when you have 3 kids at different ages. So to be fair to my oldest I would get the kits and just monitor the craft and let all 3 kids participate.

With my 2 older girls, I never had a problem with them shoving stuff up their nose or in their ears.. Helloooooo Abby.. She just broke all the rules. (yes most of my stories will be about her.) This child will do anything for attention....

Round 5

Bed time is the busiest time of day in our house... I need a drink, I need to go potty, blaa blaa, JUST GO TO SLEEP!! Bethany and Krysten never really had this problem. I would tell them its bed time and off they went not to be heard or seen till the next morning. But, Abby on the other hand would be up half the night. Some of the worst nights with this problem was when she was 2-3 yrs old.

I tucked the older 2 in one night and was heading over to Abby's bed to pat her to sleep.(Yes thanks Ms. Kelicy, I had to pat her to sleep for a year. It was either that or she wanted her feet rubbed with lotion. I feel so sorry for her future husband... lol not really..) Then she rolled over, looked at me with a smile, and said "bead in my nose". I looked at her for a moment trying to take in what she said. Then I looked in her nose and there is was, a pink bead.

Ok so I'll plug one side of her nose and and have her blow it out. (yea smart plan mom) Except when I told her to blow out she sucked in a big breath of air threw her nose. (the bead then went much farther up her nose) Holy mother of god..She sucked in so hard I thought the bead had traveled up into her brain. Well needless to say we made a trip to the hospital that night.

The bead came out, she got a popsicle, and a teddy bear. Ok I think it is sweet when kids are sick to give them a Teddy bear but, she don't deserve this. She is the one who shoved the damn bead up her nose.. Ok I let it go..

The next night my, wonderful husband volunteered to tuck the girls in and pat Abby. Maybe he felt sorry because I didn't get any sleep the night before.(Did you know that it takes 5 hours to get a bead out of a kids nose at the hospital) I was down stairs listening to him talk to them (he is so sweet with them) then she said it. "hey b (she used to call him b, we don't know why) I have a bead in my nose." He answered. "No Abby you had a bead in your nose last night." Then I heard the dreaded words....."No b, I have anudder bead." OH CRAP....

Sure as shit that little monster crammed another damn bead up her nose. We tried for 45min to get it out but couldn't. Back to the hospital I went. This time it only took 3 1/2 hours. Bead out, they gave her another stupid Popsicle, and when they nice little old lady came in the room to give her the Teddy bear, I refused it. (mean mom, I know..) She screamed half of the way home but then fell asleep..

I was up till 6am making sure ever last bead was out of the house.

So, a week later when she spiked a high fever and had to go back to the hospital (she was pron to high fever seizures so I had to take her) I dreaded walking in the building. Of course it was the same receptionist at the check in as it was the other two times.

"Well hello miss Abby, what do we have up our nose tonight?" The woman asked as we walked in. For a sick kid she got a big smile on her face and then asked me.....

"Do I get to keep the Teddy bear this time?"

SHE WINS.....

Mom 1
Kids 4
Anderson Hospital gets a new bead removal wing...

Milk to go....

My oldest daughter was born at 31 1/2 weeks. She weighed 4lbs 7oz. She was a tiny peanut. She was healthy for her size, everything was developed, but she was on the jaundice side and had to stay in the hospital for 9 days to be treated.

After 6 days of no sleep, the nurses in the NICU  made me go home. My milk was just really starting to come in, so they sent me home with a hospital breast pump. That by far was one of the longest 24 hours of my life.

I would wake up, pump, and call the hospital every 3 hours to make sure she was still doing good. She was fine every time I called. I couldn't wait till the next morning when my dad would pick me up and we would go back to the hospital to see her or even get to bring her home.

Round 4

Waiting for my father to pick me up to see Bethany seemed like hours.(I would have been there sooner but couldn't drive because I was still healing) I was so ready to get back to the hospital to see for myself that my child was ok, and to hold her. When my father and my stepmother arrived I was waiting on my front porch with the hospitals breast pump and her infant carrier.( just in case she got to go home) I got into the car and we were on out way.

We made it about 5 min down the road when my hormones started going crazy and I started crying. She was so little none of the clothes I had bought for her would fit. (Why was I crying about this??) My dad being the wonderful man that he is said he would take me to Walmart on the way to get her an outfit that fit to bring her home in.

We made it in the store and found the cutest little preemie outfit. My step mother also recommended that they should get me a new bra because my chest was spilling over the one I had on. So we made our way to the women's section and she handed me 3 different ones to try on. Problem was I hadn't pumped that morning because I was hoping to be able to feed my child as soon as I got to the hospital.

Do you know what it is like to be away from your new born baby for 24 hours when your milk is coming in??? I tried on the first bra and then it happened. In the changing room right next to me a baby started to cry. 

What happened in the next few minuets shocked the hell out of me.

My over engorged breast started to spout off like Old Faithful. I grabbed the tags off the bra and kept it on, threw my shirt on and made my way out to my stepmother. She of course new what had happened after she heard the baby start crying. We made a quick check out and headed for the car. Oh My God the pain in my chest was killing me and I began to cry again.

While in the car, doubled over in pain, I just so happened to look over at the hospital breast pump. You would NOT believe what I saw attached to it... Wait for it... A car charger. Oh thank the lord I was saved!!! I grabbed the charger handed it up to my dad and all I said wad plug this in right now. Ripped off my shirt and bra and proceeded to pump my breast while driving down the highway with my father in the front seat and every truck driver honking their horn.

Even a small 6 day old baby can be the cause of embarrassment.. Sorry dad..

Mom 1
Kids 3
Boz- seeing way too much...

Good game...

Being in a new relation ship is amazing. Getting to know someone new, your likes, and dislikes. Finding out if this is the one man for you.. Now, do all that with 3 kids. That's when it becomes a bit of a challenge. Not only are you seeing if your new partner is compatible with you. You also have to make sure that he is compatible with your kids.

I was very lucky to find my husband. How he puts up with all of us girls is beyond me. But, thank god for him!! When me and the girls moved into his home, almost 8 years ago, we flipped his world upside down. Going from 1 to 5 was a challenge for him. (he did a very good job with this transition) So we were in this new, amazing relationship. He loves me. He loves my kids. All is wonderful.

My husband has never really been a person who is into the whole public displays of affection. I'm good with my hug and kiss I get from him in the morning or when we both get home from work. In the beginning he would (try and make sure the kids were not looking) tap me on the butt and say "good game". Well I guess he didn't do a very good job of being sneaky with this action cause most kids like to copy. Always at the most inappropriate times..

Round 3

It was my middle daughters, Krysten, 4th birthday.  My father had taken me and my two younger girls to dinner for her birthday.  After dinner dad took us to Target to let her pick a couple toys out as a gift. (My father is not a shopper so this is his ideal way to get them gifts. He takes them to the store and spoils the hell out of them.)

He got her out of her car seat, took her by her chubby little hand, and led her into the store. I grabbed a cart and put Abby in the seat and just kind of hung back to let Krysten have her BOZ time. (Oh yea he don't like to be called grandpa, he has all the kids call him BOZ) She was so excited walking next to him as they made their way to the toy section..

"Anything I want, right Boz?" she asked him
"Yes Krysten, its your day!" Boz told her as they rounded the corner.

A very frail and older woman was pushing a walker and moving very slow. All Krysten wanted to do was get to the toys!!! I was a few aisles back from them and keeping the pace. Next thing I see is Krysten go up to the lady tap her on her butt then take off down a side aisle yelling "GOOD GAME!!" but leaving Boz standing there in shock as the old woman turned around to see a man standing there..

Now, I was laughing way to hard to be able to stand and watch the aftermath so I found and ailse and just broke down in laughter. That was the day I discoverd that no one is safe in my house..

Sorry Boz but, the kids win this round..

Mom-1
Kids-2
Boz- got the # for a sugar momma... jk!!

Gassy Avenger...

Ok, So we all know every one has gas. I am a firm believer of "Better out than in" and by far, I'm one of the gassiest people alive. Now don't get the impression that I go around ripping loud and rude fart sounds but, I don't hold it in. SORRY!!! I would rather not have the horrible stomach problems that follow.

There are ways to fart with out the world knowing it was you, and by far one of the best was to get out of claiming the smell is to have a child in diapers with you. (Ok you know at some point you have farted and blamed your kid) My two older kids put up with that for years until my youngest was born. Little did I know she would avenge her sisters honor.

Round 2:

The gas, is a trait that was passed down to my youngest daughter, Abby. Let me tell you from the moment she came into this world we called her the "gas queen". Not only was she gassy but, OMG the sounds that came out of that little body were disturbing.. She sounded like a grown man who ate a whole crave case from White Castles all to himself and followed it the a whole can of baked beans. No joke!!! There were so many times my husband would blame me for her farting..

One day, while walking thru Walmart, she was sleeping in her carrier. Now, not to toot my own horn my kids are very cute. People would stop as I passed them wanting to look at her and go on and on how angelic she was.. ( yea what ever this kid is the devil) So I made my way to the baby section looking for what I needed to get. Yes, you guessed it, baby gas drops. As I walked away from the cart to look for the product Miss Abby let one rip.. Frantically I looked all around to make sure no one was around. To my relief the aisle was empty..

So, I walked back over to her again and said. "I'm getting your drops, stop tooting so loud." then went back to looking over the sheves. As soon as I turned my back she did it again. Only this time it was about 10 times louder and she followed the massive sound with a very loud giggle..

I went back over to her, not even looking around and said something like,"dang girl". Of course this time there was one of the older ladies who had stopped me earlier in the store to pawn over her. In shock I gabbed the drops off the shelf and held them up and said, "thank god for gas drops!" The lady looked down and shook her head. As she walked passed me she mumbled "how could you blame your rude gas on such a sweet baby."

Well for one of the firsts times in my life, I was speechless...... I think the kids get the point on this one.

Mom-1
Kids-1

Love me or hate me...

Well hello people of blog world!!! I have been told over the years that I need to take the time to write a book about my life with my kids... Who the heck has time for that??  Well I don't! I am a mother of 3 girls, work full time, and host a paranormal talk show @ www.riverbender.com. My life is moving at full speed and my girls just keep growing and are getting crazier every day!

I do want to first warn the readers of this that I am a very blunt person. If you are easily offended then you need to stop reading right now. You know that filter that keeps from saying stupid things? Well, mine is long gone. You either love me or hate me.. I have a very dry but funny sense of humor and I can make any situation comical. For the ones who can handle me I promise this will be well worth the read! Oh an by the way I can't spell to save my life so give me a break.. Sit down, prop your feet up, and find out how I got the title of:  Mother of all Dorks..

I was 16 and pregnant before it was cool.. (Don't do it!!!) I spent 10 years of my life changing diapers and doing the happy dance when one of my girls kept their pull up dry overnight.. Then one day I had one of those "AHA" moments,  I was put on this planet to embarrass the crap out of my kids. The trouble with that is they are my kids so I know somewhere inside them is the DORK gene. Which means I have to stay on my toes cause if they have half of the wit and humor I have they might be able to get me back...

(For those of you reading, I love my kids with all my heart and everything I do in life is for them. So this is not bad parenting, it's fun parenting, and we all have a blast. Want to also let you know that most of my stories take place at Target, Walmart, in my car, or at home. Music is also a big part in our lives.)

Round 1:

One of the most fun things to do while in the car is jamming out to the radio.. My 13yr old USED to love these moments we shared as she would sing out loud as I played my totally awesome guitar.(the seat belt, you know you have done it!) Well the last time she jammed with me without looking around to make sure no one was looking first was about 2 years ago. We were stopped at the entrance crosswalk of out local Target. A flood of people we exiting the building. I couldn't run them over so I put my car in park and turned up the radio. It was a warm summers day, the widows of the car were open, and Queens Bohemian Rhapsody was on the best part of the song..

How the hell was I supposed to know that a girl from my kids school was coming out of the store?
Anyways, the music took over and I completed the most awesome guitar solo as well as the vocals. (FYI I can NOT sing to save my life) When I opened my eyes every single person leaving the store, (they all stopped to watch) started cheering, laughing, and clapping! I looked over to my daughter who some how managed to fit all curled up in the front seat of the floor board of my car.

Whoops.. Till this day when ever that song comes on the radio she changes the station..

Mom-1
Kids-0