Bathroom Blunder

My husband and I are very big Moose members. My girls were raised at our moose lodge. There is a game room full of free video games as well as a huge outside play area. It's a lodge for family's and a great place to bring your kids. Everyone knows everyone and all the "moose kids" get spoiled with candy bars and sodas. There are always events for the kids and also it is a great place to take the kids so they can play while we watch the NASCAR race every Sunday.

Round 16

Abby was 4 months old when Paul and I started dating. Every Sunday we would go to the Moose to watch the race and all the members would pass her around. ( all of my husbands friends children were older and everyone missed the presence of having a baby around).

I always enjoyed this time because it would give me a little break from caring for an infant.

Abby charmed the hearts of everyone who came in contact with her. She grew up at our lodge, Took her first steps out there, and new everyone by name.

Every so often we would get a new member and it wouldn't take long for Abby to charm them a well.

One day when she was about 2 yrs old we were out at the lodge watching the race. We had really just started potty training and Bethany (her big sis) said she would help her to the bathroom if she needed it.

They day was going great. Kids were enjoying their game room and full of sugar. Paul and I were enjoying the race and hanging out with friends.

25 laps to go in the race, and one of the newer members came walking towards us and to his side was Abby. My first thought was oh lord she is getting more candy. Boy was I wrong!!

The new member came up and introduced himself and seemed a bit nervous.

Member: hi my name is Keith. And I just wanted to let you know that I found your daughter in the men's bathroom.

Holy shit!!! Where is Bethany and Krysten??

Member: well I really didn't know what to do because she had her pants down and was trying to figure out how to sit in the urinal.

Holy f##k! My husband just started laughing. I was in shock!!! I had completely forgot to show her which bathroom was the girls and boys.

All I could say to this new member was: Welcome to the Moose!!!

MURDERS!!!!!!!!!

Where is a good place to go shopping for your redneck husband for fathers day? This year I choose the mall and Cabelas. Although he might be a redneck but he is not a hunter. I should have just went with my gut and went to Rural King (his fave store).

Round 15

The closest Cabelas is about 30 min from my house and located at the St. Louis Mills mall. I am not a mall shopper at all. If I can't find what I need at Target or Shop n Save I really don't need it. But this was important for the kids to get their step father the best fathers day gift ever.


When we first got to the mall I suggested that we go into the mall part and save Cabelas for last. (Hoping to find something more his style in one of the other shops.) Of course they agreed because I have never really taking them mall shopping before. They wanted to check it out.

After 2 hours of only finding 1 sign he could hang up in his garage and my oldest discovering Aropostile i was done. We still had to go back threw Cabelas because that is where we parked the car.

Krysten: maybe we will find what he likes in here.

So we walked around. Cabelas is a very neat store with all there displays of the different taxidermy animals and large fish tanks. We looked at every display. Reading all the info. Abby was amazed. She absolutely loved all of it.

Until she spotted the mounted deer heads on the walls.

Abby: What is that?? Why is it just their heads?? What is going on?!?!?

Me: Abby this is a hunting store. What do u think all these animals are from? When some people go hunting and get a prize kill they have the animal mounted like a trophy.

She didn't say anything more for a few min. As we walked towards the front of the store Bethany found the best shirt for my husband. We all liked it and agreed that it would make a great gift. So now all we have to do is check out an we are done.

The check out at the Cabela stores is located at the front o the store next to the gun displays.

As we are walking to the check out lane Abby glanced over to this man examining a very large shot gun.

Abby mumbled something under her breath. I turned around and asked her what she said.

Abby: (in a low whisper) murderer.

I don't know if I was confused by what she just said or shocked.

Abby: that man buying that gun is a murder!!!!!

Me: no Abby he is a hunter.

Buy this time she had gotten louder and there were about 3-5 people starting to take notice of her little tantrum.

Abby: MURDERS!!! (yelling) YOU ALL ARE MURDERS!!! AND YOU HAVE A STORE ABOUT IT!!!

By this time I was bright red and ready to be out of this store. Some how I calmed her down enough to pay for the shirt.

While wrapping up the transaction the worker of the store game me my change and told us to have a great day. As we walked out Abby had one more thing to say.

Abby: MURDERS!!!

Never again will I step foot in that store again.

British Invasion

The love of our friends across the pond is well known in my household. From the magical word of Harry Potter to the tunes of the new boy band One Direction. My kids have got the equivalent of the 1960s Beatlemania but in 2012 style.

Posters of young British faces strung all over their walls, songs played over and over again so that I even know ever word, and the British accents that the kids have picked up are amazing. You would think that I adopted them from the queen herself.

Round 14

Princess Abby of the house of Brooks has bar far the best British accent of all my children. My husband didn't believe me about her small talent until an dinner out one night. Then at the table at the restaurant she spoke a fluent British accent the whole meal. Showing this off to friends was fun. She even had the British slang down.

One night we were off to Target to get only god knows what. While walking in we saw this big van of Amish People. Yes, they were Amish and they were in a van not a horse in buggy. ( I guess the Amish love Target as much as we do)

Of course this was one of the times Abby went into full British mode and as we walked pass the Amish she started rattling off about having to use the loo. ( I'm assuming this meant she had to go to the bathroom)
The Amish people just looked at me cause I didn't have the accent and she was just chatting away.

Abby: mum, mum, mummy where is the loo.. I have to go poo..

All with this British accent..

Then she spotted the Amish...

Abby: mum, mum, mummy. Why are those people dressed like they are from another time. Ohhhhhh they must be time travelers..

Now remember she was in British mode..
Then before I could stop her she was chatting with this Amish lady with her accent.

Abby: helllloooo dear time traveler. Wellllcooome to Target!

I was so embarrassed that all I could do was pick her up and carry her away. Apologizing to the Amish as we walked into the store.

While we shopped I did my best to explain the Amish to her and her sisters. Taking an extra long time in the store in hopes that the Amish were long gone.

We checked out with no Amish in sight and were heading out the door and there they were loading up in their van.

As we past Abby couldn't control herself and yelled out. ( in British)

Abby: good day, cheeryO, get the van to 88 miles per hour.

(thanks Back to the Future)    

The Amish looked shocked and didn't wave back, but a couple bystanders broke out in laughter.

Yup, that's my kid.

Birds, Bees, What?????

Sorry it has been so long!!! Life had finally caught up and it seemed I never had any time to just sit down and write!!! Hope you all welcome me back cause I have got some great stories to share!!!

There is a time and place to discuss the birds and the bees with your children. Some kids ask the questions sooner than others. Parents tread very lightly on this subject due to embarrassment, and each parent has different ways of giving their kids the info without going into too much details.

My dad, for example, got me a cartoon called Where Did I Come From. Who doesn't like to watch cartoon sperms swimming in an Olympic size pool to get to the egg waiting on the edge of the pool for the winner. Then they tango.. 

It took years, and an episode of Glee to get my oldest to talk about sex. ( I wouldn't let her watch the sex Ed episode until we spoke about it first).

Round  13

It was a Friday eve and my oldest and I were on our way back from visiting my mother in law in the hospital about 45 min away from where we live. We rarely get time away from her sisters so this was great bonding time.

About 10 min into the drive she asked:

Beth: so mom, when do u think I can watch that episode of glee?

Me: after we have The Talk.

Beth: well ok I'm ready...

Ok I have prepared myself for this moment and even with all the prep work those words scared the shit out of me. I instantly started to sweat, my blood pressure went up, and I turned beet red.

Beth: are you ok mom?

Me: of course!!! What to u want to know?

Beth: well I thought you would just talk about it and I would listen.

Ok never planed that? I thought it would be like a question and answer type of deal. 

Here I was actually giving my dad kudos for getting the stupid cartoon and putting it in the VCR and leaving the room for me to fend for myself. But NO! I'm a good mom and have a great relationship with my daughter so I was going to do this right..

So for 20 min I acutlly gave the same speech from the Glee episode that the gay guys dad gave him. ( no my child is not gay but I thought it was by far one of the best speeches ever on the topic). I used the material an made it my own. 

So after all that I thought I was done. Nope wrong again!!

Beth: ok so I know that you have had sex 3 times because you have 3 kids.

Me: yes, and little more than that.

Beth; right. So 3 kids, 3 husbands. How many times?

Me: I have no idea Beth.

Beth: how many different guys have you had sex with?

Jeeze!!! What the hell!!!!

Me: this is something that we need to talk about on your 21st birthday after we have had some drinks!!! By the way you can watch that Glee episode tonight.

Beth: cool

Then it was dropped! Oh lord I survived! Untill she watched Glee.

Beth: MOM!!!! You gave me the same speech from Glee???? 

Well at least I got 1 out of 3 done.....

Turtles

Kids are born animal lovers. They want to have pets (until the newness wears off). We have 2 dogs and 1 cat. I love my furry children almost as much a I live my kids. Our family was complete, the last thing we needed was another mouth to feed..

And nothing is ever for free...

Round 12

Krysten, my middle spawn, came to me one evening asking if she could have a turtle.

Me: where on earth did you get this idea?

Krysten: a friend from school.

Me: I don't think it's a good idea. We already have 3 pets.

She pouted a bit then headed off to play. Wow!!! I dodge that bullet. A turtle, something I wasn't really expecting a kid to ask for as a pet but oh well the conversation was over.

About 2 nights later she came to me again. This time she had a 15 page paper on why she needed a turtle. It had pie charts (they really had no meaning) , cartoons, and all this basic info on turtles.

Krysten: the one I want is a red neck slider. Paul (my hubby) would love it cause he is a redneck too!!

Yes my hubby's a redneck! I have 3 girls who will soon be dating boys, I had to find a man with shotguns!!

Me: Krysten this is a very impressive paper but no. I'm sorry but we are not getting another pet. Maybe if you help out with the ones we have I would THINK about it.

She smiled and took off to play.

For a week the turtle business was not brought up. I was driving home and my phone rang. It wasn't a number that I knew so I hesitantly answered.

Me: hello

Very Excited Child: hello is this Krystens mom??

Me: yes who is this?

VEC: oh!!!!! Krystens mom!!! The package arrived today and I am soooooooooo excited that my turtles brother is going to live with my very best friend in the whole world!!!

Me: and can I ask who your very best friend in the world is??

VEC: well Krystens mom, it is Krysten!!! This makes me so happy!! We have enough food for him and all you have to do is pick him up. It is my gift to her for being my very best friend in the whole world!

By this point this very excited child somehow got me excited and so I went with it. It is very hard to say no to someone elses kid. Especially when they are so excited. I know what your thinking, I was had. But she was so excited I couldn't help it.

Me: well we have plans this evening can we pick him up tomorrow?

VEC: yes that works!!! Thank you so much Krystens mom.

Me: yes no prob. 

When I got home Krysten was waiting by the door. Guess her friend called the  house phone and already told her the good news.

That night I went to petco and got a turtle habitat that cost $131.57. So much for a free turtle. Not only did I spend a crap load of money, I fell on ice In the parking lot and bruised my ass. ( it was February) also I found out that red EARED sliders ( not redneck, lol that guy in petco I'm sure still tells that story) can get as large as a dinner plate and in 1 year I would have to upgrade the tank. SMH.....

Good times...... Kids win again.

MOM-2
KIDS-10

Who needs common sense

Most people either have book smarts or street smarts (common sense). You can usually tell which direction your kids will go at an early age. My oldest is by far the best student in the house. She keeps an A,B average in school.  The first thing she does as soon as she get home is her homework and rarely misses a day of school. She also is a big help with her sisters homework. ( is it just me or have schools changed the math process?) because with out her help we would all be lost!

Where she excels in the book smarts she lacks in the common sense.

Round 11

Family dinners are a very important time in our house hold. We only really get to sit down as a family once or twice a week, so we do, we make them fun. We go around the table and ask what was your favorite thing today. And everyone answers.

We also like to talk about current events or history. For example; what happened on this day in history? The kids love it and it shows who is paying attention in school.

This particular date of our dinner was December 7, 2011.  I made a meatloaf and the kids helped me Prep the sides. We all did our part and now it was time to sit and enjoy our family dinner.

Me: do you know what happened on this day in history?

Abby: it was the start of WWII!

Me: great job Abby!! How did you know that?

Abby: my teacher told me to say that if our parents asked. She also told us to say that it was the 70th anniversary of it.

Ok I was impressed and proud! Then my husband went into the attack on pear harbor an the sinking of the Arizona.

Hubby: they call it a 700 man grave cause they are still down there.

Bethany ( who is 13 and in 8th grade): how do they breath down there and what to they eat..

My husband and I exchanged looks of shock and amusement. Before I could explain more Abby chimed in.

Abby (who is 8 and in 2rd grade): really Beth??? 700 man GRAVE. You can't breath when you have been dead and underwater for 70 years.

Bethany's ears turned red and she didn't talk to Abby for the rest of the night.

MOM-2
KIDS-8
ABBY-1 for paying attention in school!!

Should have been a boy..

Summer time is an exciting time in our house. No school, getting to sleep in, and fun days with granpa Boz. Being a working mom, summer time sucks.. Yes, I enjoy the school years because not only is it good for the kids and I don't have to pay a babysitter. Now we are at a time in our lives that my oldest can watch her sisters but I still have to pay her..

The free babysitter at the time was my wonderful father. Not only did he get quality time with the girls it didn't cost me a dime.. So the summer I knew I was saving all this money I splurged and got the girls a pool to play in while granpa Boz sat in a lawn chair and read his book

Round 10

We live out in the country on 5 acres of land. It is very privet and during the day not too many people drive down the road. A big rule with the pool and every other pool would go swimming at was NO PEEING in the pool. I basically told them when they had to go just to get out and pee by the tree. (no one would see them and they wouldn't be tracking water all through my house.) The perfect place to put our new pool was behind the house. We got the pool and set it up on a Sunday. The girls were in it all day. (They all fell asleep early that night..., I LOVE THIS POOL) It was a great weekend..

Monday morning came too fast and I had to head off to work. My dad showed up with his lawn chair, book ,and his big green cup full of ice water. The girls were in their swimsuits and ready for some pool time. I was off to work.

After my first client at work I came out to about 6 missed calls on my phone from home. WTH??? Oh course, I panicked and called the house. No one answered. Now I'm worried and starting to freak out. About 30 seconds later my receptionist comes in the back room holding out the salons phone saying I had a call..  It was my dad and everyone was great.. So I ask him what were all the missed calls for.

"She lost it." he said
"Ummmm what did she loose?" I asked
"Her penis." He answered
"WTF???" Is all I could reply

Apparently, Abby got out of the pool. Pulled her bathing suit to the side and peed standing up. No, it didn't run down her leg, it arcked out like a little boy would pee. So now my father is convinced that she is part boy. I hang up the phone and take it back up to the front desk. Thinking that my father only shared this info with me I hand the phone over to the receptionist.

"So, I guess Abby is part boy.." He asked me as walked away.
???????????? How did he know that. He was on the phone and accidentally hit the line I was on and him and a client over heard the whole conversation... Good times..

MOM-2
KIDS-8
Grandpa Boz- very confused